Relationship OCD: Fear of Partner's Physical Flaws
- Mitchell Howarth
- Dec 31, 2024
- 3 min read
What is Relationship OCD (ROCD)?
Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD that can be characterised by intrusive doubts and preoccupations about one’s romantic relationship or partner. A common focus in ROCD involves fixating on a partner’s physical flaws, such as their facial features, body shape, or grooming habits. These intrusive thoughts cause significant distress and lead to compulsive behaviors aimed at gaining certainty about the partner’s attractiveness or suitability.
Sequence of Relationship OCD
Triggers: ROCD focusing on physical flaws can be triggered by:
Noticing a specific feature of a partner that seems undesirable, such as their nose, hair, or teeth.
Observing more conventionally attractive people in public, on social media, or in movies.
Friends or family commenting on appearance, comparisons, or attractiveness.
Seeing photos from earlier in the relationship and comparing appearances.
Core Fears: Individuals with this type of OCD often experience fears such as:
Suffering endlessly in a relationship with a partner they're not physically attracted to.
Ruining their chances to have a happy relaetionship.
Fear of missing out on a better-looking or more attractive partner.
Being judged by others for having a partner perceived as less attractive.
Compulsions / Safety Behaviours: To cope with these fears, individuals may engage in compulsions—repetitive actions meant to reduce anxiety or prevent feared outcomes. Examples include:
Repeatedly analyzing or mentally reviewing their partner’s appearance.
Comparing their partner’s looks to others, including strangers, friends, or celebrities.
Seeking reassurance from others about their partner’s attractiveness.
Avoiding looking at or focusing on the perceived flaw to minimize anxiety.
Imagining life without their partner to test their emotional response.
Taking photos of their partner to examine flaws and compare appearances over time.
While these actions may temporarily reduce anxiety, they ultimately reinforce doubts and make the problem worse.
What Causes Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD involving preoccupations with physical flaws may develop due to a variety of influences:
Genetics: A family history of OCD or anxiety disorders can increase susceptibility.
Perfectionism: People with high standards for relationships or appearances may be prone to obsessive concerns about flaws.
Cultural Pressures: Media portrayals of "ideal" looks and relationships can fuel unrealistic expectations.
Past Experiences: Negative experiences, such as previous breakups due to appearance concerns, may trigger fears.
Attachment Styles: People with insecure attachment styles may be more sensitive to doubts about their partner’s attractiveness.
How Do You Treat Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD is effectively treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), particularly Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
ERP Therapy: ERP involves gradually confronting feared thoughts or situations while resisting compulsive behaviors. Examples include:
Purposefully focusing on a partner’s perceived flaws without avoiding or correcting them.
Viewing images of conventionally attractive people and allowing feelings of doubt without seeking reassurance.
Writing and reading scripts about staying in a relationship with imperfections and tolerating uncertainty.
Resisting urges to analyze or compare appearances.
ERP helps retrain the brain to accept uncertainty and reduce the emotional impact of intrusive thoughts.
Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy challenges irrational beliefs, such as "A perfect relationship requires perfect physical attraction," and replaces them with more flexible thinking patterns.
Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness encourages observing thoughts without judgment, reducing the urge to respond compulsively to distressing thoughts.
Medication: SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) can reduce obsessive thinking and anxiety, complementing therapy.
Summary
Relationship OCD can cause intense preoccupation with a partner’s physical flaws, leading to distress and compulsive behaviors aimed at achieving certainty about the relationship. These patterns often worsen anxiety and reinforce doubts. Treatments like ERP and CBT teach individuals to tolerate uncertainty, challenge irrational beliefs, and reduce compulsive behaviors. With the right therapy, individuals can overcome these fears and develop more secure, satisfying relationships.